My Fiance Is Depressed - Fall Out / Loss Of Love


Aug 7, 2015

My fiance is depressed.  It is my belief that he has battled depression his entire life but has been in denial of it until recently.  We have been on and off again for 3 years.  While we are together, we experience about a month of good times and then many months of struggle where he seems to get "lost."  This has, of course, triggered my own feelings of abandonment and loss.  I  have been working intensely with my therapist to overcome these feelings for myself.  While we are apart it seems to me that he begins to think more clearly and is able to return to our love.  We have done this cycle twice.  Each time we get closer, he does something to pull us apart and I react in a way that he hates and finds overwhelming. This time I am determined to use all that I have learned in therapy and have been applying it to our relationship and our relationship has been significantly better.  

We got engaged in early May and were set to be married in August.  One week after getting engaged my SO went on a business trip to the Philippines.  He looked up brothels and went to one.  When I confronted him about this he said he did not tell me because he was ashamed but that he did not do anything.  That he proposed and needed to "draw a line" and needed to be certain he can "walk away."  When he got there he realized he wasn't interested and left.  His remorse and clarity from this, as well as his connection and vulnerability with me during this time made me feel certain that it was less about me and more about him.  We got over it. ( I should mention that he was previously married and has had a history of infidelity.)

One month after that he went on another business trip.  Of course my anxiety was heightened and he reassured me that everything will be ok.  Needless to say, it wasn't.  Supposedly a man in the conference he attended almost died and had to be rushed to the hospital.  This triggered his fear of death and he began to drink heavily.  I then called his hotel room at 3am just to have a woman answer.  The next day he told me they had just gotten there and nothing happened she left right away.  He was beside himself.  He was saying things along the line of "just give me a gun", "just get away from me, I'm no good for you," "it's over, how can I ever look at you again knowing what I've done to you."

He came home and we talked about it and again his remorse and vulnerability helped me feel connected to him and my therapist helped me understand that I was not to blame.  As we worked it out he came to me, hugged me, and said "Thank you for being so good to me.  I will be good to you."  Many good things came of it, he stopped drinking and has begun to see his own therapist.

We were good for a few days then he began to withdraw.  Again, anxiety heightened.  I fought for him to open up to me but he couldn't.  He continued to tell me that it is not my fault but that he no longer feels the certainty of our relationship.  As this is the case, he has called off our wedding (to happen today) and has completely withdrawn from me.  He has told me he feels depressed and is unable to return to me.  He also told me that the more I talk about it, "it doesn't help" and "pushes" him away more.  Yet, I am a person with feelings too and I am deeply hurt by all that has gone on.  More so, the lack of connection has begun to intensify the feelings from the two previous events.  As if I am feeling them over again and cannot find a reason to work through them.  

I can assume that when I put these things out there and I show how hurt I am he has many feelings including inadequacy and pain that he has hurt me.  I can also assume that his depression, not me, is to blame for the initial withdrawal and that perhaps therapy and alcohol withdrawal have caused many feelings he has suppressed over the years to come up.  It's all rational in my head and all makes sense until it's not and my feelings take over.  I am trying to stop myself from becoming too hurt and facing a depression fallout.  

I love him with all my heart but as I sit here and write this I just wonder what will become of us.  Am I strong enough to deal with this?  Will it ever get better?  How many more times does he have to go through these depressive episodes?  How much time is enough?

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Depression :: Depressed, Got Better, Depressed Again

HOW IT STARTED:

Yes, I was one of those annoying people who all the teachers liked.

Once, one of my professors even told me I was one of the "golden children" of my year. I suppose I worked so hard to get good grades because all my life I had been encouraged and enabled to do my best. I was used to success. In college I even overcame my shyness and gained a lot of good friends and a handful of real, true friends who I deeply care for. I had a part-time job in my fiend that I worked between classes, and I was looking forward to continuing my upward climb to success.

So when I lost my out-of-college job because the company had a financial catastrophe that made it impossible for them to hire me, I figured, "Hey, I'll just get another job and move on with my life. No big."

But almost a year later I still didn't have a job, and because I'm inherently introverted I had lost touch with most of my friends because they were all too far away to see in person and I'm terrible at keeping up with social media. I was living at home with my parents, sleeping in the spare bed in my sisters' room, and slowly realizing that all the people who were "Looking forward to seeing me succeed in the future" were going to be direly disappointed in me.

FIRST WAVE:

New Year 2013 brought on odd feelings. I still had hope that things would improve, but they consistently didn't. I lost a few big freelance clients that I was counting on because I made a few dumb mistakes, and that made things worse. I started crying in the bathroom for "no reason," not understanding why I was feeling so down and out when I still had potential, I just wasn't living up to it yet.

Fast forward a few months and I had basically given up on myself. I believed I was a loser, someone who had let down the many people who had trusted me with their wisdom and advice. I wasn't one of the "golden children," I was a pathetic fake who couldn't even call someone on the phone without feeling incredibly anxious, much less actually interview for a job. All the confidence I'd gained in college was gone and I felt even less sure of myself than I did in high school.

It was like the "real me" got locked in a room somewhere and I couldn't find her.

My mom noticed I was moody and finally confronted me about it, but instead of helping it only made me feel like she was even more disappointed in me and fed my unconfidence even more. Then, one day, after my mom got angry at me once again for being unable to communicate my real thoughts because I was so confused myself, my dad came out and let me sit there and cry until I had composed myself enough to speak. He was calm enough to keep me relatively calm and we discovered that the depression was probably coming from a few different sources. I was feeling lonely without my friends. I was back in my childhood home and reverting to the unconfident person I used to be. I was disappointed in myself and projecting imagined feelings of disappointment from others onto myself. I never got out of the house so I felt isolated. I wasn't making a steady income and that was stressing me out. Etc.

I decided to stop freelancing full time and get a job so I could at least get out of the house, make a steady income, and be around people. But after several interviews that were just awful because I either didn't have enough qualifications for that particular job or because I was having an off day and feeling really socially awkward, I didn't get any of the jobs.

SECOND WAVE:

I revamped my hope. But then it got crushed.

I'm still not as bad as I was last year, but I'm starting to feel like randomly crying again and sometimes my skin feels like it's going to wriggle off with how much I just want to get out of my house. I'm so afraid that I'm going to delve back into self-loathing-ville again, and I know that I sabotage myself when I'm like that. I so do not want to lost this tiny bit of momentum I've achieved, but I can't make things move faster. I can't get a job any faster, I can't get a car until I have money from a job, I can't get a job sometimes because I don't already have a car, I'm stuck, I'm stuck, I'm going crazy.

SO...

I know a lot of people around my age are going through things like this but for my particular situation does anyone know how to help me push through until things improve? I'm getting so tired of feeling so bad and I'm losing my energy trying to keep going. My parents are enabling me to stay home and do nothing but I don't want to stay home and do nothing! I want to get a job and be independent and have autonomy and start becoming who I used to be again so I can be a confident, awesome person! AAH!

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- Depression - I don't know if it is actually depression, but a lot of the time I feel like I'm just not good enough to be around anyone. I'll find myself crying at ridiculous moments with absolutely no reason for it. I also find myself thinking that people I know (and can acknowledge even when I'm feeling this way) love and care for me, and yet I still think they don't care about me and will abandon me at the drop of the hat, which breaks me down mentally.

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Yesterday I woke up exhilarated and ready to take on the world. I had a great day at work and a good work out. This morning I woke up completely depressed and bummed out. I have no idea why this happening. I honestly have no reason to be upset or depressed yet I just wanted to crawl into a hole or be invisible all day long and just had this feeling of depressed all day long, even as I'm writing this.

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