Depression :: I Hate Everything About Me, Depressed And Hopeless
Nov 25, 2013
I am writing to you as I feel I need to talk to somebody. I am 24 and finished a double degree in business last year. I started my degree in my hometown and did an exchange through my university which meant the last two years of my degree were to be finished in France. I moved there at 21 to study. Finished my studies last year and decided to stay for an undetermined period of time. So I lived in Paris for a year and could not find a career job. I eventually found a bar job and I worked 4 nights a week from about 7pm til 5am every night. I would work nights and sleep until past noon. I would have about 4 hours to myself at home to run errands or go out on walks, see friends, visit places in the day, and then I would go to work again in the evenings. I formed strong bonds with my colleagues, and had many new friends. We would always spend time together outside of work. We became one big group and were all fairly close. But after a few months, it all became a routine. I would not get out of bed until I would have to go to work again. I would apply for career jobs here and there but I was quite comfortable where I was. Around me, I would see my ex-uni colleagues get great jobs, enrol in masters' degrees and travel the world for amazing job opportunities. I'm not really a jealous person, but every time I would see someone succeed, I would feel less and less worthy. This year I realised I was and still am depressed. I think I've been feeling this way for about a year. I feel worthless, incapable of working in a job the old me would've liked. I have no motivation for anything whatsoever. All I want to do is stay in bed and watch TV all day and repeat the next day. I feel like if I engage in something, I will fail. I loathe myself, inside and out. Sometimes I think I should just disappear. I feel sad all the time, I'm tired all day, every day. I hate the way I talk, act, look and behave. I don't think there is one thing that I like about myself physically and emotionally. I have good friends, but they don't know about any of my thoughts. I always sit and imagine a different life for me. But I don't see past tomorrow. I don't really care about anything, or anyone. I don't go out too much, when I do, I feel like I'm doing it so I don't upset my friends. I am the quiet person of the group. I feel awkward around people I don't know very well, and I tend to avoid parties or social gatherings where I don't have to be at, out of obligation. In august this year I quit my job in Paris and moved back to my hometown. I was getting sick of living like this there. I now live at home with my parents. Ever since I came back in september, I've been looking for jobs. I've had very few call-backs, but I just let the call go to voicemail, because I'm scared to talk to that potential employer. I'm scared I will make a fool of myself. I'm scared I'm not good enough, not motivated enough, not capable. I don't see how I could be an asset to a company. I don't think I'd be any good. My parents constantly compare me to my older brother who is doing great at work! I hate this. But then again, I have no interest in doing anything for myself. I just want to go and hide somewhere forever. Being back here is ok, it wasn't my first choice, it was my last resort. I still wish I would live in Europe somewhere. I feel trapped, guilty and ugly. I feel like I have nothing good to offer, like I don't add any value to anything. I don't know what to do anymore, I thought feeling so apathetic and numb was normal. Just a part of finding yourself. But I'm so lost that I don't see how I could ever find myself, because there is nothing to find. I'm so frustrated and angry all the time. At everything, nothing pleases me, nothing phases me. I'm really bored. I feel like I'm just wasting everybody's time. I personally, don't have time to waste, because I don't really care about my time. I'm just so sick of life. I feel like I bring nothing good, and I feel guilty because my parents care about me, but I don't care about anything. I've been applying to a lot of jobs, but never call anyone back as I think they could tell that I'm useless. I hope you can give me some pointers of what I'm doing wrong. I'm just sick of being in this rut. Maybe this is just me, and nothing really excites me as much as a normal person. But I'm so bored in life. I don everything on auto-pilot, and when I'm anywhere, all I can think about is how to get home quicker and be on my own. There's really nothing I look forward to, other than being in bed, when I'm not in bed. I know there is so much to do out there, but I find none of it exciting, I would rather be inside than go exploring nature, or go to the beach.
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I'm a 60 year old woman and I really cant cope with the fact that I'm old and gaining weight. I just cant stop eating chocolate and other snacks it's really hopeless...I so wish I was dead, this time a year ago I weight 10 kg less and the last year I have seen my body change so much.I wish I could lose weight.
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I'm a 20 year old guy...I'm at a point in my life where ive realised that i had to get rid of my old friends in order to be happy.My old friends were all losers,they were all pessimistic,never got girls,always complained,never wanted to go to parties etc. I live in greece and during summer its really beuatiful here,lots of people,lots of parties and fun..All those summers i spent with my old friends and them compaining that in order to get laid or be accepted in a group you have to be "in" or have a car,a hot body,money etc.We never did anything..Just moaning and complaining...Whenever i was with them i always dreamed of being somewhere else..With other people,doing trips around the beautiful beaches,go to parties etc. I decided i have to get rid of them because i want to make a new start in my life.. The thing is im completely alone at the moment..And its making me really depressed..Depressed because now im alone with my thoughts....Where should i meet new people?? I want to meet optimistic,outgoing people...I don't want to look back
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HOW IT STARTED:
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Yes, I was one of those annoying people who all the teachers liked.
Once, one of my professors even told me I was one of the "golden children" of my year. I suppose I worked so hard to get good grades because all my life I had been encouraged and enabled to do my best. I was used to success. In college I even overcame my shyness and gained a lot of good friends and a handful of real, true friends who I deeply care for. I had a part-time job in my fiend that I worked between classes, and I was looking forward to continuing my upward climb to success.
So when I lost my out-of-college job because the company had a financial catastrophe that made it impossible for them to hire me, I figured, "Hey, I'll just get another job and move on with my life. No big."
But almost a year later I still didn't have a job, and because I'm inherently introverted I had lost touch with most of my friends because they were all too far away to see in person and I'm terrible at keeping up with social media. I was living at home with my parents, sleeping in the spare bed in my sisters' room, and slowly realizing that all the people who were "Looking forward to seeing me succeed in the future" were going to be direly disappointed in me.
New Year 2013 brought on odd feelings. I still had hope that things would improve, but they consistently didn't. I lost a few big freelance clients that I was counting on because I made a few dumb mistakes, and that made things worse. I started crying in the bathroom for "no reason," not understanding why I was feeling so down and out when I still had potential, I just wasn't living up to it yet.
Fast forward a few months and I had basically given up on myself. I believed I was a loser, someone who had let down the many people who had trusted me with their wisdom and advice. I wasn't one of the "golden children," I was a pathetic fake who couldn't even call someone on the phone without feeling incredibly anxious, much less actually interview for a job. All the confidence I'd gained in college was gone and I felt even less sure of myself than I did in high school.
It was like the "real me" got locked in a room somewhere and I couldn't find her.
My mom noticed I was moody and finally confronted me about it, but instead of helping it only made me feel like she was even more disappointed in me and fed my unconfidence even more. Then, one day, after my mom got angry at me once again for being unable to communicate my real thoughts because I was so confused myself, my dad came out and let me sit there and cry until I had composed myself enough to speak. He was calm enough to keep me relatively calm and we discovered that the depression was probably coming from a few different sources. I was feeling lonely without my friends. I was back in my childhood home and reverting to the unconfident person I used to be. I was disappointed in myself and projecting imagined feelings of disappointment from others onto myself. I never got out of the house so I felt isolated. I wasn't making a steady income and that was stressing me out. Etc.
I decided to stop freelancing full time and get a job so I could at least get out of the house, make a steady income, and be around people. But after several interviews that were just awful because I either didn't have enough qualifications for that particular job or because I was having an off day and feeling really socially awkward, I didn't get any of the jobs.
I revamped my hope. But then it got crushed.
I'm still not as bad as I was last year, but I'm starting to feel like randomly crying again and sometimes my skin feels like it's going to wriggle off with how much I just want to get out of my house. I'm so afraid that I'm going to delve back into self-loathing-ville again, and I know that I sabotage myself when I'm like that. I so do not want to lost this tiny bit of momentum I've achieved, but I can't make things move faster. I can't get a job any faster, I can't get a car until I have money from a job, I can't get a job sometimes because I don't already have a car, I'm stuck, I'm stuck, I'm going crazy.
I know a lot of people around my age are going through things like this but for my particular situation does anyone know how to help me push through until things improve? I'm getting so tired of feeling so bad and I'm losing my energy trying to keep going. My parents are enabling me to stay home and do nothing but I don't want to stay home and do nothing! I want to get a job and be independent and have autonomy and start becoming who I used to be again so I can be a confident, awesome person! AAH!
Also, right now I'm not feeling so bad so I have a sense of humor, but in an hour or so I might be curled up in the bathroom crying into a towel so no one will hear me. I got on this forum in the first place because my skin was feeling antsy and I wanted to get away so badly and I wanted to know if other people felt the same way. Crazy mood swings, anyone?
been depressed for 7 months. going through withdrawals of effexor. been tried on different antidepressants. now on prozac for 1 week.
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been on venlafaxine for 17 years. dr.took me off in three days. i think i was taken down to fast. been off since oct. still feel real depressed is my main concern. i am taking prozac for the last three weeks. anyone have any suggestions for me
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I'm 17. This has been on my mind for a long time now but I'm too scared to speak to anyone face to face at the moment because I think they might think I'm being dramatic. I think I'm depressed and I don't know whether to go and see my GP. I have felt this way since I was about 14/15 and can't remember feeling any different since then. I just feel hollow and almost empty, I don't even feel sad anymore just emotionless. At times it is worse for example when I get into arguments with my parents but apart from that I just feel the same every single day and it is so tiring. I feel mentally exhausted from doing nothing, if that's possible? I also feel so so tired all the time and feel as if I have absolutely no energy whatsoever. I'm currently studying for my A levels and this means that I have quite a lot of free periods. I spent these at home sleeping if I can. All I want to do is sleep. I also have quite bad skin and this makes me feel disgusting and not want to even get out of bed, brush my teeth, wash my hair and go to school. When I am in school and around my friends I feel slightly better than when I am at home, I can get along with them and try not to be moody. At home I hardly speak and when I do it's either being moody towards my mum and being unintentionally mean to my sister. This all makes me feel very guilty. I also have a boyfriend of 2 years and I don't feel as excited/happy when I go to see him anymore, I have completely lost interest in having sex and I feel this may also be due to be feeling very fat and ugly. I always question why he is with me or why he likes me when I am so ugly. I don't know what to do. I have so much more to say but I've said the main things that are causing me problems. This is interfering with my life, I have an ambition to become a psychologist but that means going to uni and that means getting good grades. Good grades need motivation, energy and a good frame of mind yet I'm completely lacking in these things.
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im 21 years old and have been depressed since i was 13. so i went through high school and 3 years of university depressed and havent been able to really make any friends because of this. and now not having friends i feel like keeps me stuck in my room all the time because i dont have anyone to see or do anything with. this all just makes me more depressed...
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I started getting heartburn back in January and it has slowly escalated into pretty much constant heartburn. I've already had an Endoscopy which came back clear. I've tried Omeprazole, Esomeprazole and Ranitidine. I'm currently on Lansoprazole which actually seems to be making things worse. I'm also trying DGL Liquorice tablets as well as Aloe Vera Juice and a homeopathic mixture of Nux Vomica and Coffea. I also take Peptac liquid 3 times a day and the doc has also put me on Domperidone. If anything, I seem to be getting worse. Surgery terrifies me but I'm at the point where I'm rapidly running out of options. What can I try next?
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im 16 and have been on flu 20 mg for 6 weeks. i feel as though im able to act more normally on this stuff, but inside i still feel empty and hopeless. Does fluoxetine help these crushing feelings or is it aimed at just reducing the symptoms like crying, tiredness, lack of concentration? losing faith at the moment, wondering if you had any useful comments?
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if any one has had one what were your experiences did you like using it or hate it.
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I hate my weight so much, I see myself as fat when others see me as skinny but I don't, I lie when they say how skinny I am of say how am I so skinny I just laugh but inside I feel different, I feel massive, they don't no what goes on inside my mind so when someone says a fat joke to me like I'll be fat i die inside, it's slowly killing me inside, effecting my mind a lot! The last 3 weeks I have been eating some days a lot but not loads and other day not as much. Before I would cut my calories down to under 900 but I can't seem to get back into the dieting mood, today I didn't eat until half 4 as I had my tea then a big bag of m&ms I hated myself after eating it and tried to make myself sick which didn't work so I did a bit of exercise, as I do a little bit after I eat food. It's mot all of it just the past couple weeks it's mentally killing me all day every day is weight and food,I'm terrified of going on the scale as I have eaten. It won't stop. People think I have an eating disorder but after eating so much I don't think I do, do I?
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I have been married almost 2 years.. When we first dated we had sex like crazy and both loved it, even with the guilt of people telling us we Weren't supposed to doing it unmarried. We felt guilty but still loved each other and loved sex. Then we got married, my husband started expecting sex and I started hating it. He doesn't expect it anymore, but is disappointed that we only do it like once or twice a month. He doesn't usually complain about it unless he's drunk. Then he gets kinda nasty about it. It just makes me hate sex with him even more. His touch makes my skin crawl. I HATE when he tries to kiss me, it makes me feel sick. I hardly touch him and I feel terrible because he thrives off of being touched. When we do have sex, I do it for him. I may orgasm, but just because my body is very aroused doesn't mean I am. I feel very disconnected. if my body wants it, Or orgasms, it feels like I am being betrayed by my own body. It's a terrible feeling. He thinks making me orgasm is a gift from him. Lol. But I keep telling him that just because my body enjoys it doesn't mean I enjoy it. I am torn. But he doesn't understand. He thinks I don't like him, since I'm withholding from him. So I encourage him to use his porn or magazines and toys by himself. I know it's wrong to encourage that, but if it gets him to leave me alone. Then it is a huge weight off my back. If I could have it my way, I would Never have sex. I would prolly still masterbate on my own, but never want intercourse. When we do have sex, I do it so he will be "content" for a while and feel satisfied. I feel guilty for not fulfilling my wifely duties better. During sex I have to have the lights off, or hide his face with a blanket. He has to be the one in charge and I have to think about anyone other than him. If I look at him or think about how I'm actually having sex with him again it ruins it and I have to get up and leave, because I can't go thru with it. He has never abused me, but I was sexually abused about 12 years ago, when I was 14. I don't really think about it. But I do feel disconnected from my body. When he touches any part of me, ( non sexually or sexually) I emotionally disconnect from that part of my body. When we have sex he says it's out of love, he tells me several times during sex that he loves me. I finally had to tell him not to say that while we are doing it. Because it makes me feel sick inside when he says it during sex. I think it's because to me, sex is not an act of love. It is something that makes the body feel good. For him it is an act of love. I can't seem to reconcile love with sex, to me they are 2 very distinct things that can never be combined. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this? Some advice would be great. I feel like I'm drowning and there's no way out.
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Is clinical depression such as in bipolar disorder ever get better on its own or does it require lifelong medications?
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So I really didn't know where or how else to express this but this seems like a good place. To be honest, I have a great life. I absolutely love my job, have amazing friends and my home life is wonderful. I'm not to happy about being a little overweight but guess what? I'm hitting the gym and have already lost 5 lbs. In the money department I'm doing okay, could always be better but I'm paying my bills and saving where I can.
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Yesterday I woke up exhilarated and ready to take on the world. I had a great day at work and a good work out. This morning I woke up completely depressed and bummed out. I have no idea why this happening. I honestly have no reason to be upset or depressed yet I just wanted to crawl into a hole or be invisible all day long and just had this feeling of depressed all day long, even as I'm writing this.
This seems to happen to me a lot! Sometimes it's like the example above and sometimes it can be multiple times a day. I'll go for a couple hours feeling blessed and happy and then out of nowhere it goes away and I'm depressed and feel like I want to disappear. This can go back and forth several times in a day sometimes.
I'm not sure if I'm just nuts or if this is normal. Anyways, I figured I'd put up a post and see what you all have to say. If you're the same way, if you've gotten any good advice. Thanks for taking the time to read though.
I have been on meds for just over a year now, tsh now down to 0.62 was 69 when diagnosed have made lifestyle changes as in reduced working hours started on 150mg then put down to 100mg now back up to 125 mg I do feel better but still get very tired and anxious about the silliest of things almost paranoid have no self confidence or sex drive (just as well I'm single) have zero interest in a social life and will make any excuse to avoid going out apart from going to work, the mother of ones of my sons friends is hypo and her gp prescribed antidepressants alongside her meds just wondered if anyone has any thoughts on this due to see GP again next week and thinking of asking if I may have a touch of depression.
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This friend I had she stayed with me and my boyfriend for a week and a half because she broke up with her boyfriend. She really hurt me badly. She told me and my boyfriend that she needed a break from her boyfriend and then she starts calling him and going back to his place to spend quality time with him. She does not keep to her word she said she was going to go out for Easter with me and my boyfriend and her young son then she changes it and says that she is going to spend Easter with her boyfriend and son. This girl does not know what she wants. She leaves him every time they fight and then she gets back together with him.
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My boyfriend and i heard her say that she was back with her boyfriend so yesterday we asked her to leave
She told me all i do is tell stories which i do not and she called me a bitch.
We opened our place to this girl and her son and it hurts me so much i could not even sleep at all last night. I was crying, I was angry and hurt and this is the second time she hurt me because last year she harassed me over the phone and said verbally abusive stuff to me last year in texts messages to me to where i had to take her to court
After all that i have done and been good to her she treats me and my boyfriend like dirt and it hurts
It hurts so much The her boyfriend goes to the same mental health facility me and my boyfriend goes too and I don't want to go back there at all while he is there because he has caused me pain too and my boyfriend does not like that
I have been crying all night and just so angry i don't understand why she does this to me and my boyfriend
I have suicidal thoughts every day, real vivid ones, I know where, when, how etc. sometimes I cry and I'm not sure why and when i start it can be hours till I've stopped completely, I don't mean all out bawling btw, just teary really, but that's the bad days most the time I feel fairly content, I can laugh and joke and go out with friends. I think I've lost my purpose in life I feel like I don't know why I'm here or what I'm meant to do but I don't feel what I imagine depression to feel like.
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Throughout this though the good and bad I think of suicide every day like I said but every thought ends with me being found in time, ends with me being saved.
Do you think I need help and if so where do you go and what do you say? I'm not good at expressing myself or talking to people, none of friends or family know I feel this way. Is this normal ?
Do I just need to man up and get on with life?
I really dont know whats wrong with me. I'm 24, have a good job and work 33 hours a week. I have a 4 yr old daughter who is at school and a partner.
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I feel really down and upset most of the time. I can't shake it off. I'm miserable. Cry all the time. Have no patience. Want to be on my own. Don't want to be with my partner and been having an affair for 12 months. The littlest thing really annoy me.
all my family live close by but i rarely see them. I have a mother that chooses her wife beater of a bf over her children/grandchildren. I have a dad that i used to be really close with to now a dad that doesn't speak to me doesn't care. I need my parents support but i don't have it. I see my friends have such supportiveparentss and i just wish i had that. I know im 24 but i still need them.
I got pregnant at 19 and was not ready. My partner pretty much said he would finish it if i didn't have the baby. I had no support during or after the pregnancy. I used to cry every day of my pregnancy and every day whilst on maternity.
i gained 4 stone during that time but lost it after 1 yr on slimming world. The past 9 months i've been feeling lost and all along and slowly piled two stone bk on.
I wanna go to the docs and get help of to someone for help i can cope anymore. I thought i cud but i can't. I don't have any time for me. On my own.
My day consists of waking up getting ready and my child. Breakfast dropping to school. Start work finish work. Pick child up. Go home tidy up. Feed dog cook tea. Bath and bed for child. Cook our tea. Have a shower go to bed.
Basically I feel like I may have had depression for a long time and not realised it. My parents divorced when I was at school and I was definitely depressed after that as I was diagnosed by a doctor, but I thought it had gone away. However recently I have been reflecting upon myself and have come to the realisation that I don't get enjoyment out of the activities that I do and the people I interact with. I have a full social life and am sure to make my schedule busy however I feel that this may be me trying to give myself something to feel happy and excited about in order to try to get myself to feel some positive emotion. I find myself not really caring much about a lot of things. For example I have always been very passionate about the environment and wanting to get a job as a conservationist however since starting university I don't really seem to care that much about it any more or about studying hard go get the grades to achieve my goal. I am tired of feeling anxious about every situation and like people are judging me all the time; I know these feelings are ridiculous but I just cannot shake them and they are interfering a lot with my ability to function as a normal person and to be myself. I am so worried about what other people think that I tend to make a mess of things which just exacerbates the problem. Also I feel quite empty inside and like I don't really know what I am about any more, which holds me back from making any meaningful connections with people as I am unsure as to how to portray myself as I don't feel like I really know who I am any more. Basically I feel like I have the potential to be much better as a person but there is something that is holding me back and I cant seem to work out what that is. I used to be an extremely expressive and eloquent person who could speak their mind but somewhere along the line I lost that and now I seem to hold myself back and am full of constant worry. I am at the point where I just need something to change as I cant stand to continue to feel like this. Also I oversleep all the time and struggle to get to sleep at any time before midnight, and I am also constantly achy and tense. I feel like I am different from my peers just in my daily life and I feel like I stand out when I used to feel like I fit in and was just like the people around me. Any advice and help would be really appreciated.
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I'm 22 years old. But i feel like I'm older. Last year they diagnosed me with hs. I had out way before that but never got it treated because i was embarrassed. I have it everywhere. I have open wounds in both armpits. I have some in the back of neck, groin and under breast. They are extremely painful. I don't even go out anymore because i tend to start smell bad due to my armpit lesions. I've also have a lymph node on the side of my neck that is worries me. Idk if it due to the open wounds that i have in my neck. I'm so embarrassed to go to the doctor again. But i see no way out. My primary doctor is useless he doesn't know about this and just send me to the ER. I'm so depressed i don't know what i can do. This wounds won't heals.
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