Anxiety :: Social Phobia, Depression And Suicidal / Negative Thoughts


Sep 26, 2015

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. I'm not being able to even hold a job right now. This makes my self esteem goes downhill and I can't get up of my bed because I fear people.

i'm a mid 30s woman and I'm not sure what made me become so sick. I have a string of failed relationships and in one of them I suffered domestic abuse. I started dating my current boyfriend as soon as my other relationship ended and had too many problems with him but we are still together. He is an ex addict and I'm always afraid he turns back to drinking and doing drugs.

sometimes I think I'm getting insane. I have panic attacks all the time, I can't process my feelings. I tried group meditation but I became too scared of people in general I just gave up. I'm locked home for a whole month now.

im truly thinking about ending my life. I don't see a point. My whole being is taken with these bad sensations, feelings, lack of hope, lack of control, my thoughts flow uncontrollable like a river and I just can't process anything. I'm getting old and I am a huge burden to everybody.

I don't wanna die. I wanted to know if anyone went through these hard times like me and was able to live again.

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Today, I was alone all day because both the teacher and the other student didn't come. I felt so alone and I couldn't concentrate on my packets (school work) which is pretty typical because I've been having problems focusing in school since last school year. I told another staff member if I could stay home and do my work instead of coming to school because I just didn't like being alone and I couldn't concentrate but she said I couldn't do that because I had to come to school so that they get paid. Honestly I don't know what to do. I can't drop out of school , there are no online school services in my area, and I don't wanna go back to a regular public school because having 8 different classes a day was a nightmare to me last year.

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So when I started to become conscious with my own movements, I looked for ways to improve myself - I spent long hours in a day to reflect how my day went, how i behaved in front of other people, etc... When I started, it was really bad - i didn't know how to carry myself in public, people would most often laugh at me. One thing i noticed also is that I craved for attention - I was needy. I didn't know how to construct my thoughts properly. I didn't even know how to know what I feel for a certain scenario. I was really bad that time, trust me... If i write all of them here, this will be a VERY LONG list. Oh well, that was the past. But over time, I was able to get some of the negative traits out. I gained more control over myself now. But there are some that I can't get out:

1. Negative intrusive thoughts - thoughts of people laughing at me... thoughts of people bullying me. It's one that keeps on going my head OVER and OVER again. I have read some of the forums and took the advise to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. yeah it sure helped, but when i'm under pressure, i just lose control of myself. For example, one of the things i'm interested with is music... singing.. playing musical instruments. I could very well do those stuff if i'm alone, but if i'm in front of several people, thoughts like people laughing at me creeps into my mind, then i lose control with myself. I don't know why, but I'm so overwhelmed with my emotions, that I lose control of myself completely.

2. Social anxiety - Back then, I was really afraid of people. I don't know what to do in social gatherings (i was the one who sits in the corner and eats cheese). Soon, of course, i had to face my fear and had to start talking with people. I think i found some success in it. Although, my biggest problem right now i think is approaching groups. it's like i feel fear even before i do anything. I think my reasoning also break down quite easily when i'm under pressure (like for unexpected circumstances/responses...).

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I've been researching alot about different anxiety disorders and I'm most relatable to that of OCD and I definitely feel I have depression as well. I'm sorry if my post is a little excessive but I find that even writing it all down, gives me some relief of all the stress I feel. I would really love any feedback and any type of help you could all give me. 

I am constantly making myself feel like I'm a bad person. I have a lot of negative thoughts running through my mind on a daily basis. I will bring up bad memories from the past of things that I did wrong or when I had made bad judgements. It's really hard for me to try and move on from past mistakes. I am always saying in my head, "I should of did this" and "why didn't I do that instead." I beat myself up over things I can't change. I notice that anytime there is something that is going good for me, I will find reasons why I don't deserve it or why I'm not worthy of having it in my life. 

I also have panic attacks when driving alone. I always worry that I hit someone or something and didn't realize it or notice. I turn the radio down real low so that I can hear every noise just in case. I get so nervous and worried that I will check my car a bunch of times just to see if there's any type of damage or difference. I think the worst if I feel a bump or hear any type of ding. 

I think the biggest thing that triggers my anxiety disorder is my fear of how people perceive me to be. I really need reassurance from others in order to feel like I'm doing things right or that I'm a good person. Everything I do or say in front of people, I analyze. I try and figure out what they are thinking and how they are judging me. I just want everyone To like me and think I'm a good person. I try to relate to everyone so that they have a positive view of me. I am always in fear of people getting the wrong idea or misinterpreting something I said and in doing so, they think I'm a terrible person.  

I also get really stressed out whenever I go into stores because I get worried that the people working there will think me or the person I'm with is trying to shoplift. I will as far as buying something I don't even really want just so that they don't think I went there just to steal something. 

When leaving the house, I go over everything  in my head and if I'm not sure whether I locked, shut or turned something off before I left, I worry the entire time something will happen to my dogs while I'm away because of it. Like if I don't make it apparent that I checked all candles were blown out, then I will just worry that my house will burn down with my dogs in it......

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I currently have a job that is very comfortable, money is good, not too far away from home and its easy to do... Its just boring as hell! Today I spent 2 hours doing nothing at all, and that's not me, Im not that type of person. Sure I kick back for half an hour after a busy spell but I actually like to be busy.

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Right now I've got another month to wait before I begin school again and hopefully start getting my life back together and In the meantime i have picked up some sports but I really feel like I am just so lost and afraid and I have no idea what to do, whenever i go out to do anything i'm just worried anxious and it heavily impairs whatever I try to do and makes it harder because I'm afraid of looking foolish.

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