Teenage Depression Due To Bulimia? Binge Eating?

Nov 30, 2014

I don't know what kind of of ED I really have because apparently I show symptoms from all of them.

I first began restricting when I was 14 by having a weekly plan of how I would eat. Weekdays meant no more than 500 calories a day - the less carbs the better. Saturdays were my binge days and Sundays were when I would eat slightly less than 500 to make up for the binge.

My highest weight was around 160lb I think, but no one ever called me fat. I was always shy at certain times, not bullied, but mostly I was very confident and never worried about my appearance. But I eventually realized how much more attractive my friends and my sister were, I got so upset ad my self-esteem and confidence went straight to non-existent. This was when my life-long symptoms of social anxiety excelled to their peak and made me incredibly quiet. I also lost my menstrual cycle completely, for about 2yrs.

I started restricting because being and feeling fat literally made me so frustrated I cried. I started running and *trying* to diet, which took me to 140lb, then 127lb. Then I eventually started following this 'blood type diet' by eating only foods which Type As like my self should eat(like no dairy, wheat, meat). There's nothing wrong with this diet because I really felt it's magical benefits, but then I got so annoyed that I wasn't losing enough weight that I took it too far. This led me to 110lb and then my lowest weight of 105lb.

My mum threatened to take me to the doctors so I had to put on weight again - also because I had to move schools and I wanted to 'eat' and fit in. Moving was traumatic because for 11yrs I went to a private school with less than 200 people in it, and went from that, to a state school with 1000 people in it. My social anxiety made it really hard to make friends, and I only made one because she was the only one who started the conversation first. She is now my best friend.

After two years, I put on weight slowly, still adopting my same weekly eating routine but with some extra calories while also going to the gym. I was quite content, despite still having moments of embarrassment over probably nothing thanks to my SA. While revising for GCSE exams, my mum told me out of the blue that she'd got a job near Leeds(we were living in Carlisle at the time,) and that we were moving in the summer. I was happy for her because she didn't like where she was working anymore, but It was hard to show because I was so angry at this sudden decision which completely threw me off. I tried to negotiate with her and say "well done but could I stay and live with my dad pls I really don't want to go" but she snapped at me and kept saying that "we're moving and that's that, it's gonna be great etc etc".

After the exams all I could think about was the move, so I sat on my laptop and ate for the whole summer, and put on quite a few pounds because I couldn't go running as my hip was injured. When the day came to move, I barely helped with the unpacking and stayed in my new bedroom - which is in horrible condition - and resumed my eating and laptopping. I never wanted to move and I was suddenly away from my friends, I felt fatter, my social anxiety got worse - so I can't make new friends either, and I'm in a house which makes me feel shit and doesn't feel homely at all.

I keep alternating between days of restricting and days of bingeing, but the bingeing kind of outweighed the restricting so I've kept putting on weight and now I'm too scared to weigh myself. Last time I checked it was 138lb. I go to the gym sometimes, but I can only get there if my mum drives us, so I can only go if she wants to as well. But she hasn't, and has prioritizing other things.I've missed several days off school, jailing myself in my room purely because of feeling fat and too self conscious. I bought senna laxatives too, but I have no idea if they're working.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. It's like to be happier with myself and not feel the need to obsess about being thin, I need more self-esteem. But to have more self-esteem, I need to be thinner.

I can't tell my mum about how I feel because tbh I'm scared of her - which someone pointed out was because she's a single mum who needs to be a dominating character.

Professional Opinion? This is the worst I've ever felt and I can't tell if this is depression because I feel like all the time, yet people assume I'm "just being a teenager"?

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